Christmas Eve and feeling good

I am healthy and feeling good. The gym has been closed due to the inclement weather, making me deviate from my exercise routine. Still, I feel fine. Next week, on New Year's Eve, I made an appointment for my annual mammogram at Good Sam. It should be routine, but I won't assume anything like I used to.

I'm managing my stress levels and recently had a follow up Maya Massage appointment during which I wept. I hadn't fully realized that a component of this type of massage taps into the emotions since they can impact and influence physical health. During the massage, the therapist kept delving deeper with questions until she reached a particular sensitive topic, which has been the root of sadness and dissatisfaction in my life. Though it was cathartic, it was also quite embarrassing, and I doubt I'll return for another follow up. I prefer to keep my massage experiences free of psychotherapy.

Today, I will spend the day cleaning and organizing - this in itself can be quite therapeutic.

Maya Massage and Adhesions

A month ago, I had a particularly stressful week at work. That stress combined with the fact that I'd been taking work home and getting very little sleep all contributed to my body protesting in the form of a pain in my lower left pelvis, loss of strength in my left leg and the ability to lift it, and sensitivity in my bladder. I tolerated it for a few days, then called Dr. T2 saying that I thought I had another urinary tract infection. The lab tests were negative. Then the pain moved up into my lower abdomen and Dr. T2 ordered a CAT scan. That test came back negative. Hmm... what was causing this pain? Plus, sometimes my left leg would have muscle spasms or go numb. And I was starting to feel pain in my left side. It was manageable, probably a 5 at most on the pain scale, but I felt terrible not knowing why this was happening. Dr. T2 said it was probably adhesions or scar tissue from the surgery and radiation.

After days of worrying, I finally looked up adhesions in a book by Dr. Christiane Northrup. Adhesions are bands of scar-like tissue that grow between organs and restrict motion, causing discomfort. Dr. Northrup recommended Maya massage, an ancient external abdominal massage that resolves many issues arising from the pelvis or abdominal region due to misaligned organs. You can read about it at www.arvigomassage.com. Through the website, I contacted a practitioner in Portland and made an appointment. The great thing about it is that this practitioner also does self-training instruction and now I can self-massage myself.

I also found great relief from just exercising. I do 30 minutes of light cardio, then I do bouldering at an indoor gym, which is climbing without ropes. At first when E told me about it, I was skeptical, but I've had such great results that I've bought my own climbing shoes and do it every other day. It's a thinking exercise, which keeps me from getting bored.

So now, I'm 99% better and I just have to remember to keep moving, keep everything flowing inside, manage my stress levels, and prevent any internal stagnation from happening, which I've learned can lead to disease. The Maya massage practitioner explained a lot of things like this to me. It sounded a bit new agey, but at the same time, it totally made sense. Another thing I will consider trying is acupuncture. It's supposed to help with the healing process as well. Plus, my insurance will cover it.

Last notes... aside from doing the self-massage, it was suggested to me to soak in a warm bath with half a cup of sea salt every other night. To save water, I might do this every 2-3 nights. Also, I need to apply a castor oil pack to my belly every other night, which will help with pain, but also improve my scar, keeping it from growing into my belly and causing further adhesions. I haven't noticed any difference with the castor oil pack, but the baths are glorious.

Brains on the brain

Been tuning into stories about various brain functions and disorders. Things on television, the radio, even in books, they just somehow seem to be keep coming into view or earshot. Not sure what that means, but it sometimes makes me wonder if it's a sign signaling something to come, or an omen. Aneurysms and strokes, what makes someone more intelligent or creative or depressed or forgetful, or lazy, or unmotivated or uninspired. Lately, been feeling the last three. I haven't done anything creative in ages, in over a year. That makes me not an artist. I'm a full time executive assistant by day, then I go home and do nothing but watch tv or surf the web with nothing in particular in mind, no goal.

Now it's almost 10pm and I'm just wanting to go to bed. This past weekend was simply shot, got nothing done. What is this life i'm living. What is my purpose here? I spent so much money to stay alive, and yet, what am I doing with this chance? Nothing.

Hormone balancing & aging

Last night, I took a second Estradiol 1mg pill because it was 3:30am and I was still wide awake. Recently, I've been having trouble sleeping and blaming it on our new upstairs neighbor who is apparently a night person and likes to stomp - not walk - about his apartment. He also talks very loudly on his cell from approximately 10pm to 3:30am, chain smokes and leaves cigarette butts sprinkled around common areas of our apartment building, drags his furniture slowly back and forth throughout the night, and plays both video games and his stereo loudly and for extended periods. I don't know how E can sleep through the racket, but I was desperate for sleep last night. Soon after I took the pill, I felt myself quickly getting drowsy and the next thing I knew, it was 6:30am, time to get ready for work. Tonight, I plan on doubling the dosage right before I go to sleep and seeing if it works again.

Hormone balancing can be a tricky thing. Like a detective, I try to think of reasons other than a hormonal imbalance for why I might be feeling off. For example, I've always suffered from periodic bouts of moderate to mild depression, and I can think of numerous non-chemical reasons for why this is. Hot flashes are a dead giveaway for a legitimate hormonal issue, though. And last night, I did experience some mild spikes in temperature, though again, I tried to discern whether the room was just warm or whether it was being caused by my irritation at my neighbor. It's easy to blame unpleasant feelings or weight gain (I've got a little post-surgery tummy fat that really irks me) on hormones. It's even easier to start taking pills for a quick fix. But I'm a believer in preventative medicine and less is more, so increasing my estrogen dosage is a decision I don't make lightly.

Regarding the Estradiol (30 pills for $4), I've been taking 1 pill nightly for over a month and have felt pretty much the same as compared to the much more expensive Premarin (30 pills for $20). It concerned me a little that I was taking a much less expensive generic brand, but I think it's working for me. And by working, I mean that it's helping me to sleep through the night, supporting the weakening or loss of my radiated ovaries and keeping the really hot flashes at bay, and preventing premature bone loss. The last bit about bone less is just a guess, though. I'm taking calcium and a multivitamin daily, and I should probably increase my exercise regimen. Dr. T said that my insurance would probably cover a bone density test if I wanted one, and I do, just to get a base line on how my bones are doing. I've just put off doing it since it requires scheduling yet another doctor's appointment and I don't want my employer to wonder why I keep going to the hospital.

I should probably research more about menopause. I've been avoiding it up until now. Psychologically, I am not eager to embrace all the visible and invisible signs of aging. In fact, I am at this moment typing with a shower cap on my head because the hair coloring solution needs extra time to cover all those stubborn grey hairs that keep disrupting the dark brown-black coloring of the rest of my hair. I've also noticed that when I smile, wrinkles appear around my eyes now, seemingly overnight. And, I've noticed small subtle freckly spots appearing below my eyes and around my mouth, even on my lips. I believe these are age spots, at least that's what a dermatologist told me 2-3 years ago when I just had one dark spot appear on my lip. She zapped that one away with a brief focused blast of cold air. It felt a little like having frost bite but it did the trick. I think I can live with these "freckles", even the wrinkles, but for some reason, I am not ready to embrace a head full of grey-silver-or-white hair.

I once read a story about the Dalai Lama and how on one visit to the U.S., he was greeted by someone he hadn't seen in several years. That old friend looked at him and said that he, the Dalai Lama, looked wonderful and hadn't aged at all. The Dalai Lama said that he disagreed with his friend. He did look older, for he WAS much older than before, and that was fine and normal and a part of life. By not accepting the truth of the inevitable aging process, one will never by happy. It is much better to accept this truth and embrace getting older and the many life experiences that accompany the aging process.

Some day, I hope to be more in tune with that philosophy.

Babies, babies, everywhere!

Okay, this is my last post tonight, but I just have to get this off my chest. Everyday, I'm bombarded by newborns. On the train to and from work, at work (my co-worker is pregnant and several co-workers like to bring in their young children for brief visits), during my lunch hour when I walk around, at the restaurant where I dined with E tonight.... And when I see these little miracles, I can't help feeling a deep sense of longing. I believe it's mostly because I can't have my own biologically, rather than a truly maternal need to have my own child, but still, that feeling is very, very unsettling.

At work, several women have asked me if E and I plan to have kids, and every time, I say, oh no, it's not for me. I have never had the desire to have kids, and if I have, it has been for all the wrong reasons. To have my own cute mini-me. I never really think about managing the angst of a teenager or paying for my offspring's college tuition.

Then there are the women that are going through menopause, and always talking about feeling hot, or having hormone issues, and they don't get into it with me because they feel that I wouldn't understand and part of me wants to tell them that yes, I do empathize. But that would mean sharing what I've been through, which is something I'm not prepared to do.

I am a closeted cancer survivor. I don't want people to treat me differently because of it, not that they would, but just in case. And I do not want a baby. So why do I still feel that longing?

Atypical ductal hyperplasia

That's a mouthful. No wonder I keep forgetting it. On February 1st, I recorded in this blog that my breast biopsy revealed that I have this condition. My breast doctor, Dr. P, noted that this is not cancer, however, it means I have a slightly higher risk of getting breast cancer. It also means that I should have a mammogram every year, and I need to do a self-breast exam on a regular basis. So far, I've been doing both, but the self-breast exam has been something I have done with little confidence. Mainly because I never questioned the initial lump that Dr. P biopsied, and this was a large lump!

When I told Dr. T that I didn't feel very qualified to detect anything abnormal, he indicated that statistically, women who perform regular breast exams on themselves are much more likely to detect an abnormality than even the best breast doctor, simply because a woman will come to know her own breasts and what feels normal. Somehow, his words gave me more confidence and I've been feeling less insecure and more empowered every time I remember to check, usually when I'm in the shower or lying awake in bed.

Now, if I can only remember the name of the condition...atypical ductal hyperplasia...atypical ductal hyperplasia...atypical ductal hyperplasia...

Getting back to normal

It has been a year and four months since I had my hysterectomy, and I've been very busy getting back to "normal".

Normal means feeling like I did before cervical cancer sideswiped me from the belief that I would always be relatively healthy. Part of this process has been to avoid posting updates to this blog, to get a job that has great health care, and to keep myself preoccupied with the usual things in life, like celebrating birthdays, catching up with friends, going to arts events, planning mini-vacations, paying the rent, spending time with our cats, joining a book club, etc. etc. Of course, there are the things that constantly remind me that things are not normal, like the hormone pill* I need to take every night and the follow up visits to Dr. T's office every 3-4 months. So far, every lab test has yielded normal results. I always hold my breath a little when I get the envelope in the mail, but part of me thinks that Dr. T would probably see the results and give me a call before I received any bad news, at least I hope that's how it would happen.

I'm in my 2nd year of being cancer-free and typically, five years without cancer is considered a successful recovery. I try to stay positive and hopeful that my cancer-free status will continue for years and years until I die of old age, but every time I feel some weird pain, no matter how small, my first thought is - Is this cancer? Even after five years, I think that I may always think that way unfortunately. Therefore, I've come to the realization that for me, and for perhaps many cancer survivors, there will never be a way to get back to "normal".


* I used to take Premarin 0.625 mg, and have recently switched to Estradiol 1mg. Premarin worked perfectly, but I found out about the way it was created, by sacrificing pregnant mares, and asked Dr. T about a synthetic hormone alternative and he recommended the Estradiol. It works fine, but I may have to increase the dosage by one more pill since I've noticed that I've been waking up tired, and sometimes, I feel hot, but I'm never sure if I'm experiencing a mild hot flash or if the room is just hot. When I asked E about whether he felt hot, he said that he might have. I'm going to hold off on increasing the dosage until I'm sure. Because of the hormone switch, I have a follow up appointment with a new RN at Dr. T's office, who has been doing a lot of hormone research. I will ask her about giving me a prescription for an Estradiol cream that their compounding pharmacy can make for me. It should help build the tissue in my vaginal area as that area is pretty dry and sensitive, making intercourse very unpleasant still unfortunately. I do have dilators that Dr. T's RN gave me, but the prospect of using it on myself for ten whole minutes is such a chore that I've never gotten into the habit of using it.