I haven't posted in a while because I've been a little depressed lately, which makes me not want to communicate to anyone, even on this blog. A big part of the depression stems from the fact that I haven't been making art, nor have I been working, and I'm one of those people who define themselves by what they do. Thus my self-esteem has been quite low these past few days and I suppose I've been feeling sorry for myself, one of the things I promised myself I wouldn't do.
Yesterday, I even told Dr. P2 that I've been considering quitting the radiation treatments. I told him it was because I was quite nervous about the potential serious side effects, which I am. What I didn't tell him was that I wonder whether my life, as it is, is even worth this extra effort and expense. I'm not a doctor or a teacher or a scientist or even an artist at the moment. I'm nothing, zero, and thus, why am I spending so much money on treatments to save a life that is worth nothing? I know that is the depression talking, and that all I have to do is get busy, finish unpacking my studio, and start making art for god's sake, but until I do all that, this pervading depression has a way of really skewing my perspective. I've even thought that I could stop the radiation now, and if the cancer comes back, I can just say goodbye to everyone and life and not fight it anymore. Of course, when I have these very selfish thoughts, I'm not thinking of my family and friends and how my giving up would affect them.
So, I've been working out at the gym twice a day, something that takes a lot of will power for me. It seems to be helping. Also, I intend to unpack at least some of my studio this afternoon. I know from experience that pulling myself out of depression requires a lot of action and less thinking, at least when I'm really deep in the pit.
Oh, and I've decided to continue with the radiation treatments, at least for now. E is very happy with my decision. When I revealed to him how depressed I feel lately and how I feel like I'm nothing, he gave me a big hug and said, "But you're my wife!", and I guess that's something:)
Promise to myself:
About Me
- Cervical Cancer Survivor
- OR, United States
- I am 36, an artist and currently have a day job as an assistant.
4 comments:
Hang in there, girl! This is a tough journey, I know, but you are so close to being done with radiation. And you will feel better again and you will feel like doing art, I promise. In the meantime, congratulate yourself on being so brave, because you are. This is about learning how to be a human being, not a human doing. And it's okay to be, not do. Actually, you are doing a lot in learning how to heal and going to your radiation treatments every day. And I'm so glad that you are. It's scary, I know. And good for you, that you are exercising. That's showing a lot of self discipline. Give yourself credit, reach out to people, and make sure that you get enough hugs.
Thanks, Seiza:) I know what you say is true, so I will try my best to think more positively about the radiation.
I'm writing a speech about cervical cancer and the Gardasil vaccine. If you would like to (or don't mind) be in the speech, please e-mail me at sridout@mail.hockaday.org. Please tell me about the day you were diagnosed with cervical cancer (ex. I woke up at 6:00, ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes, rushed off to work in my Toyota, etc.). I really hope you respond--I think your story could really help get the message across.
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