7 more radiation treatments to go!

Yesterday, I worked out extra long in the morning - 30 minutes biking; an hour of a class that combines tai chi, yoga and pilates; some stomach and arm exercises, and about 10 laps in the pool. This might explain why I felt completely spent right after my radiation in the afternoon. E and I were both too tired and uninspired to cook dinner, so we went for udon at a nearby Japanese restaurant.

Two things I forgot to mention about this radiation. First, there's my diet. I have to monitor what I eat (no high-fiber foods, not a lot of dairy), but my current food cravings seem to lean towards these particular prohibited foods. Of course, I pay for breaking the rules by having terrible gas pains and increase bowel movements, so I'm slowly learning to "be good". Also, it's best not to go crazy with high sugar foods (i.e., Corn Pops cereal) and fast foods (i.e., KFC and McDonalds, my current cravings). I haven't indulged in the fast foods (yet) but I did overdose on the Corn Pops yesterday and I'm paying for it big time, emotionally and physically. I know that lots of sugar is terrible, especially if you suffer from mood swings or depression, which I do, so I believe the extra sugar consumption was also part of the reason I felt so tired last night and why my stomach feels sour this morning. I have not surrendered to my craving for fast food, though, and I hope I don't. That stuff will definitely make me sick!

The other thing I forgot to mention is that my vaginal opening is starting to feel raw and sensitive. I'm supposed to use a dilator (basically a plastic dildo) for 10 minutes every day, but I've been bad about this because using it because, at least at first, it's painful. The pain is probably a 6 on a scale from 1 to 10. I use a lubricant, but the initial penetration is always unpleasant. Then I have to move it in and out of me for 10 minutes, all the while doing kegel exercises. after a while, though, it's not painful, but I'm constantly looking at the clock, waiting for the 10 minute duration to be over. Wish I didn't have to do this, but according to the nurse at the radiation clinic, it will be something I may have to do off and on for the rest of my life.

Apparently, the vaginal skin is losing its elasticity with the radiation treatments and unless I'm having sex 3 times a week or using a dilator, it can shrink, or the canal gets narrow, and this will make future sex or gyn appointments extremely uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself of this every time I use the dilator. Maybe it'll get to be as routine as brushing my teeth...?

Eight more treatments to go

I've had the majority of my radiation treatments (whew!), and so far, the side effects are manageable. My bladder is feeling just a little sensitive, but I'm still urinating just fine on my own, meaning no self-catheterizing is needed (what a relief!). The only discomfort I'm really dealing with are the bowel movements, which are frequent and painful because my anus is feeling pretty sensitive.

I've found that taking Imodium helps to decrease the frequency of the bowel movements. Also, M at the radiation clinic gave me a whole list of foods that won't aggravate my bowel - basically a low-fiber diet with minimum of fresh vegetables and fruits. Still, each time I go, I find myself imagining the pain of child birth and how my pain compares. I'm sure the searing cutting sensation that I feel is just a tiny fraction of the suffering that pregnant women experience, but that realization doesn't comfort me. What comforts me is the hope that this is the worse side effect that I will endure from this radiation.

Then again, when my ovaries fail, which should happen soon after radiation ends, I will begin to experience the hot flashes of menopause. I've heard from at least one of my friends that this is extremely unpleasant. However, Dr. T2 said that as soon as I start feeling this, I should call him and he'll start me on hormone replacement pills, which I will take for the rest of my life. At least, that's what he recommended.

Right now, I'm indulging in a yummy low-fiber and not very nutritious snack, Kellogg's Corn Pops. I just eat it straight from the box. It's sooo addicting. I'm also sipping some delicious tea - Pink Grapefruit Green Tea from The Republic of Tea. It's actually a really good combination, and the sugar is giving me a nice buzz at the moment.

A bit of depression, but handling it

I haven't posted in a while because I've been a little depressed lately, which makes me not want to communicate to anyone, even on this blog. A big part of the depression stems from the fact that I haven't been making art, nor have I been working, and I'm one of those people who define themselves by what they do. Thus my self-esteem has been quite low these past few days and I suppose I've been feeling sorry for myself, one of the things I promised myself I wouldn't do.

Yesterday, I even told Dr. P2 that I've been considering quitting the radiation treatments. I told him it was because I was quite nervous about the potential serious side effects, which I am. What I didn't tell him was that I wonder whether my life, as it is, is even worth this extra effort and expense. I'm not a doctor or a teacher or a scientist or even an artist at the moment. I'm nothing, zero, and thus, why am I spending so much money on treatments to save a life that is worth nothing? I know that is the depression talking, and that all I have to do is get busy, finish unpacking my studio, and start making art for god's sake, but until I do all that, this pervading depression has a way of really skewing my perspective. I've even thought that I could stop the radiation now, and if the cancer comes back, I can just say goodbye to everyone and life and not fight it anymore. Of course, when I have these very selfish thoughts, I'm not thinking of my family and friends and how my giving up would affect them.

So, I've been working out at the gym twice a day, something that takes a lot of will power for me. It seems to be helping. Also, I intend to unpack at least some of my studio this afternoon. I know from experience that pulling myself out of depression requires a lot of action and less thinking, at least when I'm really deep in the pit.

Oh, and I've decided to continue with the radiation treatments, at least for now. E is very happy with my decision. When I revealed to him how depressed I feel lately and how I feel like I'm nothing, he gave me a big hug and said, "But you're my wife!", and I guess that's something:)

Stent-removal success:)

Earlier this morning, E and I went to Dr. D's office to have my stent removed from my left ureter. I even got to see what the inside of bladder looks like - kind've like a dark cave with lots of liquid. Actually, I didn't take more than a passing glance at the monitor. I was too afraid to look. Luckily, Dr. D, the nurse, and E were really calm and their combined presence and attitude that this was no big deal helped to balance out my anxiety. When Dr. D finally found the end of the stent, he clamped down on it with his endoscope, or whatever it's called, and pulled it out through my urethra. Fortunately, the nurse had applied a numbing gel to that area so the sensation wasn't as terrible as it could have been, though it was still painful, esp. since I was filled with fear. I could have prepped myself with EFT beforehand, but I think I was too caught up with anxiety to remember.

I feel so much better without the stent, just a little tender in my urethra and on my left side where my ureter is. This is normal. Dr. D did prescribe some antibiotics for me because my urine sample was, as the nurse so eloquently put it, "cruddy". It was basically opaque yellow, which is not good. The nurse explained that it's probably filled with white blood cells and bacteria, but they'll have to send it to their lab to be sure. I suspect that I probably do have a urinary infection. Not sure why I continue to have episodes of this. I take cranberry extract pills everyday and drink more water than I've ever drunk before. Still, the radiation may be a contributing factor - neither the nurse, nor Dr. D, could say for sure.

I told Dr. D that the last time I took antibiotics, specifically Cipro, it caused me to have diarrhea. He prescribed a less strong antibiotic for me this time, Macrobil, for 5 days.

I will have to make an appointment for an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure my ureter is looking good. Then, if all is well, I'll just have one more follow-up ultrasound. Wish I didn't have to keep coming in for these tests. I'm really tired of paying medical bills and visiting hospitals.

Right now, I feel fine. What a wonderful feeling! I don't even mind having to get my daily radiation treatment later... Well, maybe just a little.

Weekend Recovery #1

This weekend was a nice respite from my radiation treatments. Saturday was still a bit uncomfortable, but today I felt mostly good, save for the frequent urination issue. It almost feels like I have a urinary infection, but I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow when Dr. D removes my stint in the morning. I'm really excited and nervous about it. Somehow, I think it'll be more painful than he has told me, but I've decided not to take any painkillers beforehand and trust him. E will be there for support.

I managed to avoid unpacking boxes again this weekend, but I'm getting tired of procrastinating. Plus, these boxes are driving me nuts! And my "baby" brother is coming to visit this Thursday so at least I have some incentive to clean up.

Day 5 of radiation and some side effects

Today will be my 5th day of radiation. Then I will still have 23 more days. UGGGG!!! It seems like such a long time!:<

I'm already SICK of the radiation treatments. My bladder is just starting to get more sensitive, which means I have to go more frequently. Also, E and I had sex last night even though I really, really wasn't in the mood. I know it's important to keep my skin down there pliable for exams, but still, the whole experience, as much as I tried to enjoy it, was mechanical and uncomfortable. And today, I feel a lingering soreness from the intercourse which makes me feel a little on edge.

What worries me is that this is just the 5th day! If I'm already getting frustrated, how in the world will I keep my sanity for the next 4 1/2 weeks?!?

Today I might do the following:
-treat myself to a good long cry
-draw
-do some yoga stretches
-medidate on all the things I am thankful for

Day 3 of radiation and all is well so far

Today was my 3rd day of radiation. Every time I go, the thought that this radiation is gradually killing me pops into my head. But then I ignore that thought and go through with it anyway. There's no way I'm going to let potential micro-cancer cells migrate through my body and wreak havoc a few months or years down the line. As usual, it was a painless procedure. The radiation itself took exactly 10 minutes.

After my treatment, I met with Dr. P2 and the nurse, M. We discussed how I've been feeling, if I've had any side effects. So far, nothing really. I did mention that my stint has been bothering me lately, but this is normal, and it will be out of my body by next week anyway.

M asked me if I've been sexually active lately, and I told her that I've really not been in the mood. She nodded with deep understanding in her eyes, then suggested the use of a dilator and kegel exercises. The reason these methods are important is that the radiation can shrink the vagina, making future gyn exams very uncomfortable. I prefer not to have to insert hard plastic into me, so I asked her if sex with my husband 3 times a week would be sufficient. I almost laughed when her eyes bugged out and she answered "yes" emphatically. I'm sure E will be delighted when I give him this homework assignment.

M also gave me a list of foods that are recommended if and when I start to experience stomach sensitivity and diarrhea. Apparently, the fresh raw fruits and vegetables are the worst things to eat because their high-fiber content really aggravate the digestive system at that point. Cooked fruits and vegetables are fine. Luckily, I'm still regular, so she told me to eat as many fruits and veggies now as I can because later, I won't be able to.

Finally, Dr. P2 did a quick examination of the skin around my pelvic area. He didn't see anything, but this is expected after just 3 days. He said that the skin could get dry or even darken slightly as I have more treatments, but that would be minimal. The skin where I might see the most difference would be in the back where my butt cheeks meet. He said that is because of the shape of the radiation beams, and the shape of the skin back there. Okay, I guess. There's nothing I can do about it but it's nice to get a heads up.

First radiation treatment

Yesterday, I experienced my first radiation treatment. I took a long and windy road up to Portland which game me some time to think about what I was about to do and at one point, the fact that I was about to truly lose my fertility by irradiating my ovaries kind've hit me full force. It was a cathartic release of tears and sadness and regret. By the time I arrived at the hospital, though, I had pulled myself together.

First, I had to remove my clothes from the waist down and don a gown (opening in the back, as usual). The two technicians, G and S, helped position me on the hard table. There's a pillow for my head and a specially formed cushion to rest my legs. They lined my tattoo dots up with the red laser beams. Then everyone left and I noticed the classic rock music playing, the big colorful kite attached to the ceiling above, as well as the small crystal sphere, all of which seemed to enhance my feeling of calm. The actual treatment probably took no more than 5-10 minutes. I did not feel anything, except for maybe some warmth in my upper legs, but that might have been my imagination.

Afterwards, I drove home, taking that same windy road. At one point, I found myself alone on the road, surrounded by the trees and fog and light. My radio was off so there was just this sublime scene and silence all around me. I thought it looked like what heaven could be like, and I felt completely peaceful.