Babies, babies, everywhere!

Okay, this is my last post tonight, but I just have to get this off my chest. Everyday, I'm bombarded by newborns. On the train to and from work, at work (my co-worker is pregnant and several co-workers like to bring in their young children for brief visits), during my lunch hour when I walk around, at the restaurant where I dined with E tonight.... And when I see these little miracles, I can't help feeling a deep sense of longing. I believe it's mostly because I can't have my own biologically, rather than a truly maternal need to have my own child, but still, that feeling is very, very unsettling.

At work, several women have asked me if E and I plan to have kids, and every time, I say, oh no, it's not for me. I have never had the desire to have kids, and if I have, it has been for all the wrong reasons. To have my own cute mini-me. I never really think about managing the angst of a teenager or paying for my offspring's college tuition.

Then there are the women that are going through menopause, and always talking about feeling hot, or having hormone issues, and they don't get into it with me because they feel that I wouldn't understand and part of me wants to tell them that yes, I do empathize. But that would mean sharing what I've been through, which is something I'm not prepared to do.

I am a closeted cancer survivor. I don't want people to treat me differently because of it, not that they would, but just in case. And I do not want a baby. So why do I still feel that longing?